


Santa Claus is from Turkey

by star_k



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Christmas Fluff, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Marriage, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 13:12:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15686109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/star_k/pseuds/star_k
Summary: Saint Nicholas was born in Patara, making Santa Claus actually from Turkey.This bit of information has nothing to do with this fic, but somehow manages to tell you everything that matters about it: it's Christmas time and there's a turkey and a lot of mishappenings.It also makes absolute no sense at all, but just roll with it.





	Santa Claus is from Turkey

**Author's Note:**

> I think the only thing that could make this even more Crack is for me to post it on summer time.
> 
> So here I am.
> 
> I'm not sorry (ok, maybe I am a little bit). As always, thanks to my friends and my sSsquad who always puts up with my crazy shit. Sorry for making y'all read this.
> 
> Don't take this seriously, I wrote it last January just for the lols, but enjoy it anyway!

**A week prior to the Big Day**

“The truth nobody tells you about hooking up with your best friend is that it’s actually fucking messy and sometimes weird as fuck,” Louis mumbled, his face cold from pressing it against his bottle of beer. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade it for the world, I love Harry so much I could  _ marry  _ him.”

“Louis,” Niall sighed, exasperated. “You are.”

“I am.” Louis burped, “wait, am I what?”

“Marrying him. This is your stag party. You’re gonna marry Harry this weekend.” Niall rolled his eyes, as if he’d said that before. He might have, for all Louis knew. Or didn’t know. He was maybe a bit drunk. And wearing only a shoe, for some reason, if his wet sock was anything to go by.

“Marry Harry,” Louis snorted. “It rhymes.”

Niall sighed again, drinking long gulps from his beer. Around them, the club pulsed with loud music and Louis felt himself drifted away, before his thoughts slammed back to what he was saying before.

“I love him so much it’s stupid, because I love him as a friend and as a husband, you know?” Louis continued, unaware his friend and best man was trying to drown himself in his bottle of beer. “Because we’ve known each other for like, fifty years already.”

“You’re both in your twenties, Louis.”

“Yeah, but I’m counting in  _ soul  _ years and Harry is an old soul.” He gasped, suddenly realizing something. “ _ We’re soulmates _ .”

“Jesus fucking Christ, I’m still not drunk enough for this,” Niall mumbled, raising his hand for the bartender and gesticulating for another one. 

“Niall, Niall, listen,” Louis tried to call his attention, finally moving his head away from the beer bottle and staying as upright as he could, pulling on Niall’s arm and supporting himself on it as well. “ _ Me and Harry are soulmates _ .”

“Good fucking thing you’re marrying each other then,” Niall deadpanned, tapping Louis’ hand on his arm.

“We’re gonna marry and stay together forever.” Louis smiled, his teeth heavy in his mouth, his tongue slowed down by the alcohol.

“Yeah, you are,” Niall laughed, grabbing Louis by the shoulders and pulling him in against his chest. “You finally got your shit together and can be as domestic as you both fucking want, you sappy douchebags!”

Louis grinned, unaware he dropped the half full bottle on the counter, his lukewarm beer spilling all over it and soaking his arm. “All thanks to that motherfucking turkey. Merry Christmas to me.”

“The…” Niall faltered, his voice barely audible over the music, “the what?”

“The turkey.”

“What turkey?”

“The fisting turkey.”

“ _ The what now _ ?” 

“The turkey that got me and H together.” Louis explained, offended he even had to do so. When he moved his arm to start explaining, he realized his sweater had soaked through in beer. He brought it closer to his face and sniffed to check if it was really beer, when he got the confirmation he shrugged, sucking the fabric into his face to not let it go to waste.

“Hey, stop that,” Niall pulled Louis’ arm away from his mouth, “what the fuck, Louis.”

“I know, it wasn’t my brightest moment,” Louis shrugged, “but then again, H has this awful way of talking as if I could read his mind. I mean, sometimes I can, but it’s not every time, you know? How would I even know he was talking about a turkey, for fuck’s sake? I can’t even cook.”

“The fuck you’re talking about, Louis.” Niall deadpanned.

“H, of course. We’re gonna marry this weekend.” Louis repeated, a goofy grin on his face when he looked back at Niall. Behind him, Louis focused on his friends doing tequila shots, the party in full swing all around them. He just wished he and Harry could have had a same party instead of two different ones. “That’s the main problem in marrying your best friend, Niall. This fucking sucks.”

“What sucks? The turkey?”

Louis looked at him in confusion. “Of course the turkey doesn’t suck, Niall, what the fuck. The party does. I can’t have fun without my best friend here but I also can’t have a stag party with my fiancé here. Society sucks.”

“God, I never thought I would say this,” Niall passed a tired hand on his face, sticking his fringe against his sweaty forehead. “But I sometimes miss when you would get drunk and beg me to wingman for you because you couldn’t sleep with Harry back in the day. Pining Louis was a prick, but sappy and moping Louis  _ fucking sucks _ .”

“Hey, you can’t be mean to me, you’re my best man.” Louis whined and poked Niall on his chest. “I should have chosen Liam.”

“You didn’t want to chose either of us and made us take on a straw, Louis.”

“That was Harry’s idea, I wanted to make you all battle for the honour of best manning for me.” Louis snorted.

“Some fucking honour it is, listening to you talk about a turkey.”

Louis shushed him hurried, looking sideways to see if anyone else heard him. “Don’t talk about it out loud, me and Harry agreed we’d never tell anyone about the turkey.” He looked suspiciously at Niall. “How do you even know about the turkey?”

“I don’t-,” Niall stopped himself, licking his lips before he tried again. “You told me everything about it.”

“I did?”

“Yes.”

“Fuck, H is gonna kill me.” Louis cried out, hiding his face in both arms on top of the counter. It didn’t take long for him to bring them up again, both sleeves wet by beer. “ _ Who was the fucking animal that dropped beer here? _ ”

“Louis,” Niall tried again.

“No, seriously, Niall, it was my biggest shame, sometimes H still laughs at me because of it, I can’t stand no one else laughing as well,” Louis turned to Niall, gripping his shirt tightly. “Well, to be fair Harry did let me watch him play with himself as I imagined later, so it was worth it. God, his hands are insane, you should see how he looks when he fingers himself.”

“No, thanks, I’m good.” 

“Seriously, I had daydreamed for so long about how he’d look, you know? But when I saw it for real, my God, it was better than every porn I’d ever seen.” Louis stopped himself then, uncaring for Niall’s pained face, and stared far away into something only he could see. “Except maybe for that one I watched when I was like 17. I still haven’t found it again to this day. Do you think Harry would let me-”

“Louis, I’m  _ begging  _ you.”

“This is your obligation as my best man, Horan, you have to know the truth and tell it to the world.” Louis slapped him on the chest once again, his eyes lazy and obviously drunk staring at him. “Now, the turkey.”

“Yes.” Niall grumbled, happy the bartender finally took pity on him and brought him his beer bottle. He took a sip at once, downing as much as he could. 

“How was I supposed to know it was a turkey and not some surprise sexting?” 

Niall snorted beer from his nose before Louis had even finished his sentence.

“That’s disgusting, Horan.”

“You thought Harry was sexting you about a turkey?”

“It was Christmas, Horan!”

“You told me the Holiday spirits got into you and made you confess. That’s why you’re marrying at Christmas time, for fuck’s sake!”

“That’s an inner joke for me and Harry, obviously.” Louis slapped his hand on top of the counter, “tell me, how the fuck was I supposed to know I was jacking off to some turkey talk?”

Niall laughed so hard, wheezing and crackling so loudly he almost fell off the bench he was sitting on. All the while, Louis shushed him, trying to make him stop.

“Shut up, Nialler, you’re gonna blow my fucking cover.”

Niall kept on laughing.

“It’s not funny, you prick, he caught me unaware and already horny. I was alone at home, of course I was watching porn!”

There were tears running down Niall’s eyes.

“And then he comes, all Don Juan, you know how he gets, with a dirty smile emoji and talking about needing my help and my hands. MY HANDS!” Louis raised them to their eye level, moving them back and forth as if to show the back and his palms at once to Niall, his coordination lacking a bit too much for it to work. “They’re the perfect size to fit.” His voice went high once more, “what else was I supposed to think, Niall, _ what else? _ ”

“That Harry was into fisting?” Niall tried, his voice garbled among his chuckles.

“Yes!” Louis slapped the counter once more, splashing beer all around them. “But he was just stuffing the motherfucking turkey.”

“And,” Niall tried, his voice choked in unreleased laughter, “and that’s not some lame metaphor for whatever he could be doing in bed while sexting you?”

“No! No, it is not. He really was,” and here Louis’ voice lowered down in sadness, “he really was just stuffing some turkey. Literally.”

Niall couldn’t hold back again, laughing so loud he choked on air and needed to lean forward and support himself on the counter.

“Louis,” after some time Niall emerged, his eyes watering and cheeks too pink. “Please, I beg you, please tell me you still have that convo saved somewhere.”

Louis mumbled something.

“What was it?”

“I said,” Louis replied, his voice loud enough to be heard above the loud cheer someone started somewhere behind them, “I have screenshots of it.”

**Two weeks prior to the Big Day**

“Lou,” Harry whined, his voice low in the morning hour. “My love, my life, my everything. I’m begging you. Please, please,  _ please _ , pack your bags.”

“Harry,” Louis replied, voice just as gruff as Harry’s. “My sun, my stars, my moon. I’m begging you. Please, please,  _ please _ , fuck off.” He snorted, amused by Harry’s angry glare. “We’ll board in a week, babe. There’s enough time till then. Now,” Louis got up from the sofa where he was mindlessly channel surfing, walking slowly towards Harry and embracing him, his arms hugging him at his waist. “ _ Chill _ .”

“How can you even say that when I’m literally a bundle of nerves right now?” Harry replied, automatically putting both his arms on Louis’ shoulder, hugging him closer. 

“That’s  _ exactly _ why I’m telling you this, babe.” Louis mumbled against Harry’s chest, lips dragging against his comfy pajamas. That winter had been so cold they’d relented to wearing clothes to bed, even if just to take them off after they were warm enough and heated enough to not need them anymore.

“God, I hate getting married.” Harry sighed, arms tightening around Louis.

“Good thing you’ll get married just this once, then.” Louis joked, slapping Harry’s arse quickly. “No one else out there ready enough to make an honest man out of you, Curls.”

“No one else out there who likes my Turkey Stuffing as much as you do.” Harry snorted, laughing harder when Louis pinched him hard on his love handle.

“Fuck off.”

**The day prior to the Big Day**

The venue they chose wasn’t really a venue but a whole fucking island.

Go big or go fucking home, Louis always said.

They’d been fifteen years old and already inside each other’s pockets for so long it’d be embarrassing if they actually cared about it. They knew each other families by first name and long shared memories, including aunts, uncles and twice-removed cousins. At school, they were inseparable outside of classes and terrifying in them. Louis was the class clown, but Harry was the reason behind at least of half of Louis’ antics.

(Lies. Harry was the mastermind behind half of them but the reason to all of them, since Louis always loved to make him laugh so much.)

So it was a no brainer when, during Christmas break, Louis found a DVD of Love Actually on sale and bought it as a stand in Christmas gift for Harry. While watching it for the nth time, Louis doing voice overs with fart jokes while Harry shushed him, it came as a surprise when Harry hummed and murmured how he wanted to live a romance as fulfilling as one of those.

“Are you Bridget Jones now, Curly?”

“Fuck off, Lewis.”

“I mean it. What is it? Do you want to be the Prince Charming you were born to be and sweep someone off their feet? Marry them in a french castle overlooking the sea while a choir of little kids sing your favourite song?” Louis laughed, the image alone too ridiculous for him to even conjure up.

“Yes, and you’ll be there, of course. We’ll do a double wedding, on a far off island, to later hop on our private plane and have a two month honeymoon travelling around the world.” Harry laughed, stuffing his face with gummy worms.

“Travelling on our yacht.”

“We’ll name her Olivia.”

“We’ll do what now, Curly?” Louis laughed, head hanging over the arm of the couch they were sprawled on.

“Yeah, it will be just me, you, our spouses and Olivia, the yacht.”

“God, what kind of porn have you been watching, H?” Louis laughed, kicking him in the leg. “I won’t share my fucking wife with you.”

“Fucking wife sounds about right.” Harry screamed, throwing himself sideways to tackle Louis back against the couch.

From this memory alone, it was possible to deduce two things:

1 - Teenage boys are fucking idiots, and no amount of deodorant can erase that fact (no matter how much they tried, back in the day).

2 - Louis got Harry, and Harry got Louis. It didn’t matter they were still pretending they liked pussy instead of dick, or that they thought adult life paid more than it actually does, in the end, it would always end up like this.

With Louis.

And Harry.

(And an island.)

“Sometimes I think you spoil Harry too much,” Liam started, dropping his bag on the floor beside him and staring at the Waterton Park Hotel. “And sometimes I know it.” He turned to look at Louis. “This is one of those times, if you didn’t get it.”

“I got it, Liam, thanks for the input.” Louis scoffed, squeezing Harry’s hand in his and pulling a face at him when he giggled at Louis’ tone. 

They kept walking inside the hotel, admiring the architecture and overall aesthetic of it. It looked like a fairytale land, one where winter made it even more magical, a scenery drawn out of a Disney movie. 

“Liam says I spoil you, but I’m still not convinced this isn’t your mum’s doing, to be honest.” Louis whispered from the corner of his mouth, gaze wary at his and Harry’s family were gathered, talking loudly about how magnificent everything looked.

“You blame my mum, but I saw how Lottie reacted to this venue as well, I’m not blind, Louis.” Harry snorted, bringing Louis’ hand up to kiss his knuckles.

“Touché.”

“Oi, Lover Boys, bring your bags in, we only got two days here and we better enjoy as much as we can.” Fizzy called out, waving them inside the hotel.

The other guests would arrive by the end of the day, after work hours, or that Saturday morning. The wedding was supposed to happen at late afternoon, enjoying some last moments of sun but also at the magical hours where the fairy lights would turn the venue into something out of this world. 

In all reality, despite their families enthusiastic inputs in their wedding, at the end of the day both Louis and Harry chose what they wanted the most to make their day what it should be: about them. The venue had come out of a dream, romantic and cozy where they could enjoy and celebrate their day with their most beloved ones. Their clothes had been made to fit them perfectly, the cake had been a fun decision to make together, the overall details something they found pleasure in picking together, between Louis’ perfectionist personality and Harry’s incisive decisions. And, obviously, their one-week long honeymoon at Jamaica.

Never let it be said that a 3 year engagement wasn’t worth it, at least to save enough money and make their day as romantic as they wanted it.

(But most of all to save the money.)

Harry stopped in front of a room, letting go of Louis’ hand as he did so.

“This is my stop.”

Louis raised one eyebrow, amused. “I thought we agreed on skipping the ‘not seeing the groom the day before’ thing?”

“Yeah, but I also know you and that’s why I agreed and still rented both our separated rooms anyway.” Harry grinned deviously. “Can’t have you deflowering me before the nuptials, after all.”

“You’re so full of shit, H.” Louis rolled his eyes, entertained by his fiancé’s antics.

“Yeah, that too. Gotta take care of it before the Big Night.” 

“Shut up.” Louis laughed, moving closer to peck on Harry’s lips. “You sure?”

“Yeah,” Harry whispered, breath warm against Louis’ lips. “One last night to make sure we’re better off together than apart.”

“I’ve been sure of it for longer than I can tell, to be honest.” Louis whispered back, leaning forward one last time to kiss him.

**2 years, 5 months and 23 days prior to the Big Day**

“Niall.”

“Louis.”

“ _ Niall. _ ”

“ _ Lewis. _ ”

Louis sighed, throwing away the three magazines he was staring at. His living room had become a warzone, filled with Wedding Magazines and crumpled papers filled with ideas. In the center of it all, Louis and Niall sprawled out on the couch.

“I can’t do this.” Louis cried out, boths hands covering his eyes in defeat.

“Yes, you can and you will.” Niall scoffed, still flickering through the magazine on his lap half heartedly. “That’s what I’m here for, to give you a boost and all.” He raised his fist lazily, “hooray.”

“I should’ve chosen Liam instead of you.” Louis grumbled, voice muffled by his hands.

“Oh yeah, Liam would be the perfect choice.” Niall replied, voice emotionless. “He’d cry more than you and Harry combined.”

“At least he wouldn’t be mocking me at my time of despair.” Louis tried, taking both hands off his face to glare at Niall.

“Not in front of you, no.” Niall smirked, turning a page noisily. “However, if you remember that day at our first Halloween party at Uni when-”

“Yes, Niall, I remember that, thank you.” Louis answered annoyed, unnecessary pauses in between every word to emphasize it. 

“I should put it on my Best Man speech,” Niall laughed, not caring for Louis’ mood.

“Don’t you dare.” 

Silence reigned for a moment, Niall still leafing through the magazine on his lap while Louis stared at the wall. It didn’t take long for him to break the silence, never very fond of those.

“Speaking of your speech,” Louis started, eyes still focused on his and Harry’s pic hanging at the wall, both their smiling faces close to each other, the Leeds’ festival bracelet at the corner of the frame because of an unfortunate wind while Harry attempted to take a selfie of them. “Do you know what you’re gonna talk about in it?”

“Your most embarrassing memories, of course.” Niall didn’t even blink before answering.

“Be serious.”

“Fine.” He closed the magazine, turning to look at Louis’ profile. “Maybe about how you two met. How old were you again? Three? A year and a half?”

“We were ten, you prick.” Louis answered, a soft smile breaking into his face.

“Ah, yes, meant to be from even before either had your first erection.” Niall laughed, brushing his hand over his leg to clean some dust from it while he sobered up. “I dunno, mate. I still got time to think about it, but I’m sure I’ll babble about how meant for each other you both are. How sickening it is to watch from the sidelines how in love you both are, to be honest. It was entertaining at first, seeing you both struggle in the most obvious and awkward mutual pining I ever had the misfortune to witness,” he sighed, a smile softening his features. “Then it was a bit sad, when it dawned on me how much time you both were wasting being so dumb.”

Louis hummed, eyes still focused on the picture on the wall.

“Of course, when you both actually got together we didn’t have to hear from either of you to know it, it was so fucking obvious.” Niall cackled, hand covering his tummy, delighted. “And to think you agreed to try and pretend nothing changed, to take on things slowly.” He laughed aloud again. “You? Mr and Mr worse-liars-in-Britain and Mr and Mr I-rather-head-dive-into-everything? Oh yeah, that worked well.”

“How could you even tell so quickly?” Louis asked, smile unashamed on his face, huge, warm.

“Mate, I think people from the ISS could tell it, you both were looking at each other like the Sun fucking shone from the other’s arse.” He stopped for a minute before continuing. “Actually, you’ve always looked at each other like that, but now it was at the same time instead of being when the other was looking away.”

Louis bit his lips, trying to stop himself from smiling any wider and failing miserably.

“Yeah, kinda like that. God, you both are the worse, I bet Harry can feel your lovey dovey vibes all the way across from London and is fonding back to you as well.” 

“He is, I can feel it.” Louis joked, laughing when Niall threw a pillow at his head.

“The  _ worse _ , I’m telling you.” Niall chuckled, clearly happy for them despite his words. “Hey, I should actually put in my Speech how you both got together. You’ve never told me about it.”

Louis choked on his own spit, coughing desperately as he sat up on the couch, one hand bracing himself against the back of the couch and the other on his throat.  Niall moved to help him out, one hand patting him on the back and the other helping him stay upright, a concerned look on his face. When Louis was breathing normally again, he asked if he was alright.

“Yeah, sorry, spit went down the wrong way, you know how it goes.” Louis choked out, his eyes watery and his voice rough from the coughing.

“You sure you’re ok?”

“Yeah,” Louis cleared his throat, shrugging Niall’s hand away while he fixed his fringe back into place. “You know how it goes, the memory is very. Blurry. On my head. It was too emotional, you know? Almost two years ago already, all I know is that it was very emotional.” He cleared his throat again. “I got carried away by the Festive feeling, I guess.”

“Oh yeah, it was Christmas, wasn’t it?”

Louis winced, but nodded. He changed subjects right away, and Niall never tried to bring it up again.

Until now.

**The Big Day - Part 1**

“Baby.” Louis knocked at Harry’s door, whispering against the wood in front of him. “Harry.” He knocked again. “ _ Babycakes. _ ”

“God, I knew you had some embarrassing nickname for each other,” a voice called from the room behind him and when he turned, Louis found himself staring at Gemma’s sleepy glare. “He left not ten minutes ago. Made sure to wake me up before he went, though, that little shit.”

“You ARE his Maid of Honour, after all.” Louis replied, too used to Gemma’s morning grumpiness.

“I AM about to kill you both, if you don’t let me sleep.” She yawned, not bothering to cover her mouth while doing so. “He probably went outside, was proper excited it snowed at night.”

Louis smiled, thanking Gemma and walking down the corridor, not even bothering to wait for a reply.

It didn’t take long to find Harry at the Garden, still wearing the Hotel’s robe much like Louis was. He had his head turned upwards toward the sky as if he was sunbathing or waiting for more snow to fall. The weak sunlight reflected on his form, the white snow around him giving an ethereal look to it all, the wind playing around his short hair, the barely there curl dancing around his neck and shoulders.

God, Louis loved him.

He also didn’t hesitate before making a run and tackling him to the ground.

“Fuck!” Harry fell gracelessly under Louis, the snow blanketing their fall. Louis turned sideways, laughing from Harry’s high screech and then even louder when he saw the snow covering his face and hair. “God, I hate you so much.”

“Are these the words you greet your soon-to-be-husband, Harold?” Louis asked amused, grinning freely at Harry’s expense. He shivered a bit, the winter air and the snow winning over his robe and pajamas. Harry seemed to be in the same condition.

“No, the words I’ll greet you with are ‘you pull this shit again and I’m gonna leave you for the Master of Ceremonies’,” Harry tried, but halfway through his speech he was already smiling back at Louis, his hand moving to intertwine his fingers with Louis’ own. “You’re such a prick, what if I’d fallen and broken my nose?”

“Then I’d marry you with a broken nose, of course.” Louis laughed, sliding sideways so he could be closer to Harry, both still laid down on the snowy garden despite the cold. “I heard it means good luck in some cultures.”

“Is that so?” Harry laughed, eyes fixed on Louis’ lips.

“Yes.” Louis chuckled, lifting himself a bit to kiss Harry slowly, lips moving lazily against each other. “I missed you in my bed last night.” He whispered, mouth still against Harry’s.

“And I missed you in mine.” Harry whispered back before moving his head to kiss Louis one more time.

It worked as the perfect distraction, because while Louis was lost kissing Harry’s lips, he managed to grab a handful of snow in his free hand and smash it on top of Louis’ head, moving away and laughing maniacally as Louis screamed and shook the snow away from his hair. Harry got up, not before filling both hands with misshapen snowballs, ready to attack Louis with them.

Their snow fight was more filled with laughter and curses than proper snow, the night snow not heavy enough to drown the garden in too many inches of it. It didn’t take long for them to be sweating inside their clothes from the effort of running from each other all around the small island, from dropping low to the ground to arm themselves with more snowballs and from ducking from the other attacks. Soon enough, the noise of their families waking up and of guests arriving for the Breakfast broke into their bubble of happiness, both hiding away at the back of the Hotel from any outsider of their little world.

“You’re a menace.” Louis laughed, involuntarily backing himself against the wall while walking away from Harry’s steady steps.

“You started it,” Harry smirked, flicking some snow off Louis’ fringe before holding his face in both hands, their gaze steady in one another.

“I love you.” Louis whispered, his breath fogging against Harry’s face, building into their wintery fairytale.

“I love you.” Harry answered and lowered his face to kiss Louis, pressing his back against the wall of the venue where they were about to get married in.

**1 year, 7 months and 28 days before the Big Day**

“Maybe we should’ve married at the castle, after all.” Harry spoke, eyes glued to the two brands of tea in his hands. He turned to Louis, silently asking for his opinion and when he pointed to the one at the left Harry put it inside their trolley.

“Babycakes, I know we’ve been saving money for ages, but it still isn’t that much money.” Louis laughed, pushing the trolley slowly, watching Harry look at the shelves in front of him, the list gripped tight in one hand while the other pinched his lower lip.

“I know, but, you know.” Harry turned to him, his hair high on a bun leaving his face free for Louis to look at. “We still could.”

“Aren’t you happy with our choice?” Louis tried, stopping to take his favourite honey brand from the shelf. He looked at the pot to see if it wasn’t broken or out of date, then put it inside the trolley, all the while listening to Harry’s answer.

“Of course I am, but sometimes I worry about a winter wedding. Shouldn’t we be trying a summer one? A spring one? I know we’ll be fine inside the venue, but I don’t know. Sometimes I worry you’ll get cold in only a suit.”

“We’ll be fine.” Louis approached Harry, taking both his hands into his and squeezing it softly. “Besides, it’ll look amazing if it snows, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Harry smiled small, neither caring they were blocking the aisle.

“I’ll get a heavy suit, don’t worry.” Louis squeezed his hands once more. “Sadly you’ll have to cover your tits for this one, though.”

“Fuck off.” Harry laughed, taking his hand away from Louis’ to look at the list but leaving the other one in his grasp, both pushing the trolley together with their interlocked hands.

“We’ll need some veggies and fruit now. And bread.”

“I think there’s no more beer either.”

“True, we can grab it and some orange juice as well.” 

When they were done, both standing bored at the line for the register, Louis picked the subject back up again.

“Do you think we should change the date, then? Do you prefer a summer wedding?” 

“Not really, no.” Harry shrugged, his eyes still focused on his phone while he scrolled down on whatever social media he was busy with. “I mean, I wonder because it’s everyone’s dream and joy, a spring wedding or whatever. But,” at this, he raised his eyes to smirk at Louis, a well-known glint on them, “Christmas does have a different meaning for us, doesn’t it?”

“Fuck off, Harold,” Louis moaned, still embarrassed despite all those years.

“A very different meaning, yes,” Harry ignored him, continuing his taunting. “But in the end, we still made do, didn’t we?” He asked, throwing both his arms on Louis’ shoulders and leaning down to kiss him on the tip of his nose.

“I said, fuck off.” Louis tried again weakly, unable to stop himself from lifting his hands and resting them on Harry’s love handles.

“No, I think what you said was,” Harry giggled instead of finishing his sentence.

“Complete that sentence at your own peril, Curly.” Louis threatened, his hands squeezing Harry’s hips harder.

“I think,” Harry continued despite his threats, or really because of them. “What you said was,” he cleared his throat, leaning down to whisper against Louis’ ear, “ _ the fuck is that, Harry? Is it a turkey? _ ”

He laughed so loudly it caught the attention of the other customers in line, his body moving away from Louis’ hold to express his glee. Louis groaned against his hands, ashamed from both the memory and of his fiancé laughing like an idiot in the middle of the line, slapping his own knee like an old man.

**The Big Day - Part 2**

“Are you nervous?” Niall asked while settling Louis’ tie in place.

“No,” Louis replied, unconvincingly.

“Are you sure?” He tried again, passing both hands on Louis’ lapel, eyes alert to any imperfection.

“I am, but if you keep asking I will throw you out as well.”

Niall laughed, stepping away from Louis to look at his whole outfit. They’d chosen the outfit together, him and Niall, with the help of his family, of course. But Louis suspected Niall had been in touch with Harry’s side of the party, trying to subtly coordinate their outfit despite Harry nor Louis knowing about the other’s clothes choices. He didn’t care, though, excited to see how they’d look together.

He had had to kick everyone out of his room, to try and settle his nerves. His sisters’ loud chitchatter was getting him anxious, and despite all the love he had for every single member of his family, he kicked them all out anyway. Not only that, but they’d spent the whole day together, enjoying the comforts of the hotel and lazing around, enjoying the big breakfast they had that morning, the even bigger lunch, the indoor pool, and each other company’s. After the lunch, he and Harry had to separate from each other, avoiding seeing the other the hours before the ceremony. Niall had been the only one who stayed with him in the end, with the excuse of ‘being the Best Man and doing his job’, but Louis knew he just needed to make sure Louis was fine.

“There’s no need to throw me out, I swear I’ll be quiet,” he replied, “unless you need me to keep talking to calm your nerves. Maybe I can sing you a song, what do you think about,” he cleared his throat and started singing, “ _ don’t marry her, fuck me. _ ”

“Fuck off, Niall,” Louis laughed, a hand laying gently on his tummy as he did so.

“ _ And the Sunday sun shined down on San Francisco Bay _ ,” Niall continued singing, shimming awkwardly and grinning hard, “ _ and you realise you can’t make it anyway, you have to wash the car, take the kiddies to the park _ ,” he took a deep breath before singing louder just as the door opened behind them, “ _ don’t marry her, fuck me _ .”

“My, should I tell my son the marriage is canceled, then?” Anne asked behind them, an amused smile on her face. She was clearly ready already, her formal clothes and makeup impeccable.

“Anne!” Louis gasped, slapping Niall hard while he continued laughing. “Don’t even joke about that, it took me too long to convince your son to marry me, I can’t let him run away now.”

“It only took too long because you’re dumb, Louis,” Niall laughed, patting him on the shoulder. “But don’t worry, not only I don’t want to marry you, but Harry has been ready and waiting since he was ten.”

“That’s a bit much.” Anne called out, while getting inside the room and closing the door behind her.

“Since he was eighteen?” Niall tried again, looking at her for approval.

“That sounds about right.”

Niall cackled, patting Louis once more before walking away and giving both the privacy they wanted.

“So.”

“So.”

Anne smiled, her eyes soft and watering quickly. “It’s finally the big day.”

“It is,” Louis smiled back and huffed, his eyes watering as well. “Please don’t cry, I can’t cry before I even get out of the room.”

“Don’t tell him I told you this, but Harry may have cried once or twice already.” Anne chuckled, walking closer to Louis and grabbing his hands in hers.

“Were they happy tears?” Louis asked, a nervous flutter on his stomach.

“The happiest.” She couldn’t contain herself, some tears slipping out of her eyes before she let go of his hands and hugged Louis tightly. “God, I’m so happy my son found you. I couldn’t ask for anyone better for him. I couldn’t trust him with no one better.”

“Thank you so much, Anne, for trusting me with him,” Louis answered, unable to contain his tears either. “I promise I will love him for as long as I can, and longer if possible.”

“I know you will, and that’s why I couldn’t be happier it’s you he’s marrying.” She sniffled, squeezing Louis once more before stepping away, fingers gently drying the tears away. “Fuck, I ruined my makeup, your sister is gonna kill me.”

“Don’t even joke, if the way she reacted to me scratching my eye was anything to go by, she is ready to commit murder at any moment,” Louis laughed along with Anne, both carefully drying their tears, careful not to mess with their makeup or get their eyes swollen. “Is she with you right now?”

“Yeah, you kicked everyone out of here and they all migrated to Harry’s room. I seized the chance to come talk with you instead,” She smiled, holding Louis’ face with both her hands gently. “I’m so happy it is you.”

Louis grinned, eyes downcast, suddenly shy. “Me too.”

**7 years prior to the Big Day (coincidently)**

“Are you sure it won’t be a trouble?” Harry asked, his voice unsure as he stood in front of Louis, both hands clasped in front of him.

“Of course I’m sure, Curly, quit worrying.” Louis pulled him in, standing on his tiptoes to pull Harry under his arm. “You’re part of the family, you’ve always been, nobody will even bat an eye you’re gonna spend this Christmas with us.”

“I know, but it’s Christmas, you know?” Harry sighed, leaning forward a bit to accommodate Louis’ arm on top of him better. “It’s different to popping up at any random day. I’m gonna be spending a whole week with your family alone. I’m gonna be helping your mum cook some  _ pudding _ .”

“No, you won’t, you’ll be too busy cooking gingerbread and chocolate chip cookies for me.” Louis poked his cheek, waiting for his dimple to appear, and when it did, he continued. “Besides,  _ I’m _ the one who always helps mum in the kitchen, I’m a pro at stuffing the turkey.”

“Really,” Harry deadpanned, voice incredulous.

“Hey, I’m a real good cook, Curls!” Louis slapped Harry in the stomach, stepping away indignantly.

“I’ve seen your pancakes, Lou,” Harry laughed, hand covering his stomach in fear of a new attack.

“Fuck off.”

The trip back to Doncaster had been full of music, moments of silence and spurts of nonsense talk about everything and nothing at once. Louis knew exactly how to piss off Harry, putting both his feet up and ignoring Harry’s glare, fighting back at him about ‘ _ of course you would be the designated driver, you know I hate driving _ ’ and ‘ _ what do you mean driver picks the music, it’s my house you’re going to, OWNER picks the music _ ’. 

Even though Louis had warned his family he and Harry would be spending the week back home, no one batted an eye when he arrived with Harry in tow, all of them used to seeing them both together after so many years of friendship. Instead, they just welcomed them warmly, glad they both were there. 

While Louis settled their bags in his old room, he took extra care of hiding the gifts he brought, aware Harry could stumble upon the one he bought for him since they were sharing. He didn’t take long, washing his face quickly before going down and spending time with his family, delighted when he found Harry sitting down on the sofa watching Disney movies with the twins.

He left him entertaining the kids, instead enjoying a nap curled up on the couch before they went out with his friends. The whole week would be a mix of celebrating Louis’ birthday and Christmas, and there was no better season of the year than this one for Louis. It always felt magical, the whole week leading up to it. 

Sadly, his nap didn’t take long, even if he was at the maximum coziness possible, at his family’s house and under a fluffy blanket curled up on the couch. It had been Harry’s fault, since he was playing with the kids as enthusiastically as he could just so their squeals would wake Louis up, and of course it did. The little shit knew how to play Louis so as not to make him mad and still do as Harry wanted in the end. 

“Oh, Lou, you awake?” He asked, both twins hanging from his arms as he pulled them up as if they were little monkeys. “Oops, sorry then, I guess we were too loud, then.” The smirk on his face denied his apology, making it very clear it was exactly what he was expecting. Louis held back the urge to flip him the bird, instead settling to glaring at him and yawning loudly. Harry continued, “it’s good you woke up, though, we need to leave soon. Go wash your face and change your clothes.”

“What’s wrong with my clothes?” Louis asked lazily, scratching his belly still laid down on the sofa.

“Louis,” Harry let go of the kids before turning to glower at Louis, hands at his hips emphasizing exactly what he thought of Louis’ attitude. “I can see a tea stain from your last cup on your t-shirt from here.”

Louis rolled his eyes and got up, grumbling under his breath as he walked to his room after he washed himself up, picking the first sweater he found (it was Harry’s, because of course he’d already opened his bag) and throwing it on top of his clothes. He was going out with his mates with zero intentions of pulling, why would he need to put in any effort? He put on a beanie and considered it done. 

In the living room again, he found Harry already ready to go, scarf and a dumb hat on top of his curls. Louis snorted and walked up to him before even putting his shoes on, playing with the pom pom on top of it. Harry laughed, indulging Louis for a minute, but before either could do much more before smile at each other, Fizzy interrupted them with a scream and a loud laugh.

“Jesus fuck, Fizzy, what is it?” Louis asked, one hand clutching his chest and the other holding Harry’s shoulder to help him from the scare he had.

“You’re under mistletoe!” She laughed, quickly calling the others to see their predicament.

Louis rolled his eyes, used to his family’s antics. “Oh no, what ever shall we do now?” 

“You could always kiss,” Fizzy finished her sentence in a loud cackle, probably from Louis’ shocked expression when Harry leaned down and pecked him on the lips softly, winking at Louis before straightening up.

“Can we go now? It’s been ages since I saw Calvin,” Harry pulled Louis’ arm, calling out a goodbye to the girls still laughing at them. He had his back turned at them, but Louis could see he was smiling anyway. Little fucker probably got a kick out of shutting Louis up.

“You’re all terrible, that’s what you are.” He called out at them, putting his vans on as fast as possible to follow Harry already outside the house.

The walk to the pub was a short one and terribly cold. Louis had barely stepped outside the house before he already started complaining, cursing at the weather and babbling about one invention worse than the next one to make him cozy and warm outside the house.

“I’m telling you, Harold, electric sweatpants that warm you up like a heater,” Louis replied, arms hugging his middle to try and save body heat.

“You’ll catch your arse on fire, that’s what it’d do,” Harry laughed back, seemingly unbothered by the cold. It was probably due to the huge coat and boots he was wearing,  _ the hipster _ .

“This arse is already on fire,” Louis mumbled back, laughing with Harry at his own joke while they entered the pub. 

It was just after the second pint that Louis remembered their kiss. It should mean nothing, and it probably meant nothing to Harry, considering how unbothered he did it and reacted to it, but surprisingly Louis found himself thinking he wouldn’t mind doing it again, and not in a sense of snogging someone you’re close to just for the sake of kissing someone. 

He looked over at Harry, his upper body laid down on top of their table, crossed arms supporting his head as he laughed at something Oli must have said. Louis felt himself smiling involuntarily, the corner of his mouth rising and then turning into a full blown grin. He probably should feel scared, knowing he probably had not very platonic feelings for his best friend, but at the moment it just felt. Natural. 

Like every moment of his life had been building up to that moment right there, where he realized Harry had been a sure choice for him in more ways than one.

_ Happy Birthday to me _ , he guessed,  _ and a Merry fucking Christmas _ .

**4 years 11 months and 3 days prior to the Big Day**

“Harry,” Louis murmured, pressing little kisses at his naked neck and shoulder. “Harry Styles, wake the fuck up.”

Harry grumbled, shoving his head into the pillow but shoving his body back into Louis’ embrace. He didn’t fool Louis, he could see the dimples from where he was looking, his body supported by his elbow on the mattress.

“I can’t believe all it would take for you to stay longer in bed was a good fuck,” Louis laughed, face pressed to Harry’s shoulder as he did so.

“Who even says it was a good fuck?” Harry teased, turning on his back to look at Louis. He was smiling, which eased Louis’ worries about how serious Harry was being but did nothing to stop him from wishing for another go. Especially when he could see better the amount of hickeys he managed to put on Harry’s neck and chest.

“I do,” Louis leaned down and kissed him softly, unable to restrain himself. “And if I say so, it is so.”

“Is that how it is?” Harry asked, eyebrows raised, but Louis could see how close to breaking into another smile he was.

“Of course, Curls, you think that now that we’re a thing it will change a thing?” Louis scoffed, splaying his hand atop Harry’s chest. 

Harry hummed, lifting both hands and holding Louis’ hand closer to his chest with them. “Good thing it doesn’t, then,” he replied, face searching for whatever it was on Louis’ face. He seemed to find it, because not long after he blinked innocently at Louis and continued, “it’s just…”

“What?” Louis asked, already dreading whatever he knew Harry was about to pull.

“I was worried you wouldn’t like me, since I didn’t marinate enough.” 

It took Louis a second to get it, then he groaned.

“I mean it! I always thought my moans were ok, but maybe you’d like me more if they were more of a gobble instead?” He tried, but halfway into his phrase he was already laughing.

“Fuck off, Harold.” Louis rolled his eyes, trying to take his hand back but Harry held onto it.

“I’m sorry! It’s just,” He wheezed, “you’ve always called me quirky…”

“Oh God, please don’t.” Louis pressed his face to Harry’s belly, hoping he would forget it all but.

“When all this time, what you really wanted was for me to go  _ turkey _ ?”

Louis moaned distraught, his hand still held by Harry’s hands trying to pinch his laughter away. “That was fucking terrible! Go fuck yourself.” 

“Did you mean go pluck yourself?” Harry laughed harder.

“Ugh, nevermind, I fucking hate you.” Louis tried to take his hand back and get up, but Harry held him tighter, rolling atop of him to stop him from going away.

“No, you don’t. You fucking love me,” Harry smiled, his curls falling down from his face as he stared down at Louis, smile huge and eyes a bit teary from laughter still. 

Louis had no doubts about it. He grinned. “Yeah, I really fucking do.”

**The Big Day - Part 3**

The unmistakable clinking sound of a spoon beating against a flute echoed through the hall and when Louis, along with everybody else in the room, looked around to identify where it came from, who else was it but Niall, standing from his side of the table and looking to Harry and Louis with his spoon still beating on the flute. A moment later he stopped, looking around the room before he started, “well, I think I got everybody’s attention, so hello, everyone! My name is Niall Horan and I’m Louis’ Best Man.”

The room cheered, everyone already hoping for what would undoubtedly be the “speech full of embarrassing moments” of the night. Even those who didn’t know Niall seemed to be paying close attention to him, waiting for what he would say. Louis squeezed Harry’s hand in his, both waiting for Niall to continue with a smile on their faces.

“I sadly can’t say I was the chosen one to be his Best Man because I’m his best friend, because that’s obviously Harry, isn’t it?” Everyone laughed, but Louis only had eyes to Harry’s bashful smile and small, prideful shrug. “Yes, yes, they’re one of those disgusting couples. Trust me, I know.” Some more chuckles. “But seriously, besides not being the best friend, I’m not even the second one. That’s a spot filled by his whole family, I bet even his dog.” Louis covered his face with his hand, hearing Harry’s loud laughter beside him and almost regretting choosing Niall, were he not so amused by his words (and used to his ways). “What I mean to say is,” and here Louis looked up to see Niall smiling down at him, his champagne flute raised in a small toast to him. “Louis is one of those wonderful people who is lucky enough to have a whole support group of people loyal to him. I wasn’t the only one who could be filling this spot here, of Best Man. I was the one lucky enough to have it, and for that and for being your friend for all these years I’m very grateful.” 

Louis nodded, mouthed a ‘you’re welcome’ to him and looked sideways to see Harry already looking at Louis, his eyes misty. Louis leaned down and pecked him on his lips softly, smiling when Harry spoke, “he’s right, you know.”

“And then there’s the other thing, as well.” Niall continued, bringing Louis’ and Harry’s attention back to him. “We’re not only very loyal and friendly to him because he looks like a cute little porcupine.”

“Hey!” Louis yelled, outraged. The room ignored him, laughing and agreeing. Even Harry did so, Louis realized. The traitor.

“Why are you yelling at me? I’m right.” Niall smirked when Louis flipped him off. He waved his hand so everyone could back down the noise and continued, “so, as I was saying, we’re not here just because of that, but because of how amazing he is. He’s truly lovely, isn’t he?” He nodded towards where Louis and Harry sat. “That’s why sometimes it feels like a fairytale, looking at those two, people who I look up to, get hitched together. But then other days I look at them and I think nothing else would make more sense than this, Louis and Harry. There would be no one else good enough for the other, that’s why this would always happen in the end.”

Louis bit his lip, raising Harry’s hand and kissing it. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Harry had his eyes misted, so he squeezed his hand tighter and pulled him back towards his chest in a half hug.

“I guess everyone knows here how these two met. Still, allow me to babble some more anyway. Somedays, it feels like they walked out of the womb together and it’s fucking weird. I’ve been friends with both of them for years, and still it unsettles me when they move in sync as if they’re a mirror of the other.” He stopped for a moment to look back at Louis and Harry. “Seriously, guys, what the fuck. It’s creepy as fuck. My mum and dad have been together longer than you’ve been alive and they’re not in sync like that. That’s some soulmate shitte.”

The room laughed again, some people screaming agreements to Niall or examples of when they’ve seen it happen.

“See what I mean?” Niall opened his hands in a hopeless gesture. “So there was no doubt this is where we would end up, wasn’t there? You’re both meant to be, Mr and Mr Pain in My Arse.” More chuckles and some whistles. “Now, let’s not go down that road. God only knows I’ve already heard, seen, and listened to way more than I wanted.” The whistles intensified. “Hey now, my point here is: does anyone truly know how these two got together?”

While people mumbled and answered the question, Louis felt the colour draining from his face, Harry not helping much as he laughed loudly against Louis’ chest. Niall grinned deviously towards Louis, raising his flute yet again in a mock salute.

“As you all can see from Harold’s reaction, the version you probably got wasn’t the true one.” He cleared his throat, “you see, my dearest Louis over there had a hell of a stag party and decided to trust me with the true story behind it after a shot or two or twelve.”

“Oh shit,” Louis whispered, making Harry laugh even harder.

“Don’t look at me like that, mate, you were the one who showed me the prints three times.” Everyone looked confused at both Niall’s smug smile and Louis’ terrified frown, and amidst it all Harry laughed so hard he almost headed himself against the table. He hid his face into the nook of his elbow on the table, muffling his laughs enough for Niall to continue, looking at the room at large. “I know you were waiting for the deets, but sadly I can’t share them.” Some people complained, among them Louis could see Liam raising his hand frustrated, but Louis just sighed in relief, passing a tired hand on his face. “Let’s call it Best Man privilege, ay? But I can promise you, it’s a… juicy story, it is. Took me a while to proper appreciate it. About 4 hours in the oven, to be honest.”

Harry snorted loudly, peeking from out of his hiding to look at Louis. He had tears running down his eyes and this time Louis knew they weren’t of happiness for them. The fucker. He loved him so much it was insane.

“My point here, and I do have a point.” Niall raised a hand again playing the whole room’s attention to himself, “is that life is funny, sometimes. Very funny, in this case, I swear I almost cracked my rib because of it.”

“Fuck off, Horan, tell us what it is!” Luke called out, hands cupping his mouth to boom his voice louder.

“I can’t! Not if I don’t want to live the rest of my life being pranked by Louis,” Niall laughed, looking at back at him.

“Thank fuck you’re a smart one, Nialler!” Louis replied loudly, shushing Luke off when he complained again.

“But the thing is: life is funny and it shows. Let me say this, it was fucking ridiculous the way you two got together. My God, I swore not even bad comedy sketches would make some shit up like that, and yet here we are.” Niall cackled a bit, “so my  _ point _ is, fate works in mysterious ways and so does life. Even the most ridiculous and absurd moment can turn into something beautiful like the relationship you two have. So, Louis, it’s a honour to share this moment with you, have a wonderful, sappy,  _ ridiculous _ life together you and Hazza. And learn how to hold your liquor, you fucker. God only knows what you’ll let slip next. Have a happy life, a happy birthday and merry Christmas! I fucking love you, mate. Cheers!”

“Cheers!” The room boomed together, but Louis had his focus on Niall instead, grinning at him and raising his flute as well in a toast.

Of course he didn’t regret his choice of a Best Man, not when he knew he could count on Niall. 

“Good thing to know I got someone to help me make fun of you, then.” Harry murmured against his ear, chuckling lowly. His breath was warm and smelled softly of champagne. Louis couldn’t even pretend to be mad at him, instead he settled for kissing him again. His husband.

 

**Epilogue: how they actually got together**

" _ louis? u busy? _ "

Louis sighed, lowering the screen of his laptop a bit to partially hide his screen and picking up his phone to see Harry’s message. He was home alone and bored, so obviously he was watching porn. He was a healthy, lonely man, what else could he do? 

" no y "

He also wasn’t ashamed to confess (mentally) that half the reason he had to resort to jerking off like a teenager instead of finding a hookup was his best friend, who he happened to be in love with and also happened to be too much of a chickenshit to say he was in love with. He’d never been particularly shy in demonstrating his interest, be it sexual or romantic, towards anyone, but the fear of losing Harry kept him tongue tied. He’d much rather pine away and keep what he has with Harry intact than risk losing it. That’s why he’d be willing to stop a one on one session with himself for Harry, no thought on it.

" _ i need your hands on experience with smth  _ ;)"

Louis blinked. Then blinked again. He immediately typed his answer as he tried to shut his horny brain up and get his rational brain cells working again.

" ?? "

What followed didn’t help much, nor the small delay Harry seemed to have between answers.

" _ your hands are smaller so i think they fit better when you need to put them in _ "

Louis bit his lips and typed out quickly, erasing his typos three times in his haste to know what the fuck Harry was talking about.

" .....curls, what are you talking about? "

The couple of minutes it took for Harry to answer had Louis’ mind running wild. He’d had one too many sexts sessions not to know what that fucking emoji meant, especially coupled with someone talking about his ‘hands on experience’. “ _ Fuck _ ,” Louis mumbled, hand sliding down and gripping his cock at its own volition. He tugged once, then moaned when Harry’s answer appeared on the screen of his phone.

" _ i'm giving myself a new experience this year, so i'm gonna try it myself. so, do you get your hand wet before putting it inside? _ "

Louis’ mind was on overdrive. He knew Harry was a kinky fucker, had talked plenty about this kind of shit with him. Still, what was going on here? Was he really asking Louis’ help, his instructions as to how… fist himself? Was it an early Christmas gift? As Louis tugged his cock again, he wondered to whom the gift was.

" well, i don't put my whole hand inside but yes, the idea is getting it wet and... curls... are we talking about what i think we're talking? "

Louis had had experience once or twice with bigger toys and too many fingers, but this was insane. He closed his laptop completely. His browser’s history wasn’t clean at all, and he’d even seen some worse stuff, but even the mere suggestion of Harry sexting him and already going hard on him topped it all.

" _ well, yes, i think it's past the time i should be doing this, and i wouldn't share it with anyone but you. will you come _ ?"

Louis squeezed the base of his cock, praying he didn’t humiliate himself and come before they even started. Although, looking at the way Harry phrased it, maybe he really was just asking for Louis’ help and not exactly as a partner, but as a best friend who knew a thing or two.

" i... is that an invitation ?"

The minutes it took for Harry to answer him were the longest of Louis’ life.

" _ obvs _ "

He gulped and tried again.

" are you openly proposing ?"

" _ obvs _ "

Louis laid himself down more comfortably on the bed, spreading his legs and propping himself up with his pillows, phone close to his face. It was hard to type with one hand, but it wasn’t particularly knew to him - and now he knew first hand Harry was slow but also familiar to it.

" this is the weirdest... ok but im in i guess. i'm alone and ready, hit me "

" _ do i need to hit it? like the bottom? _ "

Louis groaned, hand speeding up for a moment before he slowed down again, curling his toes and trying to calm down. 

" only if you want to...? "

" _ ok _ "

Louis thought at the back of the mind Harry was a bit weird at sexting, but then again what did he do that wasn’t particularly quirky? Maybe he wasn’t very used to doing it, or he got rusty after the seven month relationship he and his prick of an ex had. Louis tried again.

" do you want to? "

" _ sounds kinky, i kinda like it lol _ "

Louis licked his lips, a rhythm steady on his cock and his mind running wild. He could imagine how Harry looked, his arse up and hole opened, his skin milky white, now a bit rosy because of how Harry’s huge hands dealt with himself, slapping his butt. 

" god, you're terrible at this but i'm digging it "

" _ haha _ "

Louis puffed, laughing slightly. God, he was in love with a dork.

God, he was sexting and jerking off with a dork (his best friend).

" ok, start slowly "

" _ i'm already two fingers in, it's good so far _ "

Louis groaned, his hand playing with the tip of his cock and he adjusted his mental image to think of Harry with two fingers inside himself.

" two? "

" _ yeah, it's pretty loose, honestly _ "

Louis moaned, a shudder passing by him as he thought about it. It sounded so dirty.

" god. and you got your fingers wet ?"

" _ the wettest _ "

Louis bit his lips, feeling his toes curling. He had to pace himself or he wouldn’t last long. Harry may not be particularly gifted in sexting, but in the end, he still was Harry and that was all that mattered to him.

" fuck. ok. try 3? "

It took some time for the answer to come and when it did Louis almost came as well.

" _ seems to work best so far _ "

" jesus "

" _ i'm not boring you, am i? you sure you up for helping me out here? _ "

Help him out? God, at the speed things were going Louis would be the one who would need help to survive the whole experience.

" fuck no you're not boring me, much the contraire "

" _ ok haha _ "

He waited for a minute to see if Harry would follow through with something else, but when he didn’t he tried again.

" how's it going? "

" _ i'm four fingers deep, seems to fit in nicely _ "

Louis panted, trying to imagine how it would look like. Fuck, and Harry’s fingers were so long.

" jesus fuck. do you like it? "

" _?? it's kinda weird but i guess? _ "

Louis rolled his eyes, and not in pleasure. If they were to make this again, he would have to give Harry some tips. Still, he focused on the fact his best friend seemed to be four fingers deep and enjoying it. He thought what else would come.

" fuck. ok. ok. will you try more or? "

" _ honestly, i think my hand is too big to fit it all, i might leave it to you next time haha _ "

Luckily Louis managed to squeeze the base of his cock in time to stop himself from coming, but he took a moment while he calmed down enough to think about it, him doing what Harry was describing. Fucking hell, he would be thorough with Harry, give him as much as he wanted, treat him right as he deserved and make him come again and again.

" jesus fucking christ H i might come sooner if that's what you're promising me "

" _.....god i was joking earlier, you really like it? _ "

Louis gulped, embarrassed to confess it.

" yea "

" _ ok haha _ "

Louis smiled small. Harry was so open and understanding it was ridiculous.

" fuck, ok H. tell me how it feels "

And also kind of a turn on.

" _?? well it's wet from my fingers, but also really tight. i think it's ready for stuffing, tho, i think i can put it all in as much as i want _ "

Louis ignored Harry’s way of talking, instead focusing on his mental image, thinking about the sounds, the looks, the taste. How Harry seemed to not be satisfied with just his four fingers.

" fucking hell. thought u said you wouldn't want to try the whole hand? "

" _ not my hand u dick the other stuff i put aside to put in _ "

Louis whimpered, thinking about Harry putting aside his collection of vibes and dildos. Had he been planning for this all along? Did he think about Louis beforehand? Or did he get frustrated and text him for help as a whim?

" god, you were planning it already? "

" _ yeah, all day? _ "

" fuck ok ok tell me more then "

Louis waited for the answer, thinking up possibilities, lazily jerking off and imagining every second as to why and how busy Harry was.

" _ hm, i turned my fingers everywhere i could and it feels open and really loose? i think it's ready tbh. it's also super wet, i think i exaggerated a bit on that _ "

Louis moaned. Scratch what he thought before, Harry aced this sexting thing. He sounded fucking dirty and yet a bit bashful. It was driving Louis insane.

" god. i bet it even make wet noises when you put your fingers in "

" _ that's... strangely specific but yes. does it mean it's ready? _ "

Louis huffed, amused by Harry’s reaction. He hoped this could go out of the sexting and into the real thing, he loved to have fun with his partner while having sex, and who better than his best friend?

" yes. what are you gonna put in? "

" _ everything i can tbh _ "

He bit his lip, trying for a new angle.

" fuck, you sound so slutty "

" _ not funny you asshole _ "

Louis flinched, ashamed he risked for something that made Harry uncomfortable. He just hoped he didn’t offend him.

" sorry, got carried away "

" _ it's ok, i kinda loled anyway _ "

He smiled softly, thinking what should he say now. He opted for honesty.

" is the mood still on? "

" _ i guess? should i put some music on? _ "

Louis laughed. Of course Harry was the type to do it with music.

" yes if you want. do you like to do it with music? "

" _ sometimes? _ "

" ok i can dig that "

" _ ok mood is back on, music is playing, imma start putting it all inside _ "

He wondered what kind of music Harry could have picked, what kind of rhythm put him on the mood, the lyrics. He thought about asking, but chose to leave it a secret to when they tried it for real.

" ok tell me how it goes "

" _ your tips really worked, it's super open and wet and it fits everything i want and i think there's space for more haha do you have smth in mind i could put in as well? _ "

" maybe ;)"

It finally seemed like Harry was getting the gist of sexting, and Louis smirked, jerking himself faster, already hoping, praying for the pic(s) Harry would send him.

" _ ok...? what is it? _ "

He snorted, amused by Harry’s answer. He wondered which ones he’d put inside, if they were just dildos and how Harry looked like, if he was enjoying himself. How he sounded like when he did.

" i might show you when i go there next time "

" _..ok is it like a secret or? can't i know it now? _ "

Louis was breathing hard already, jerked himself faster, worked up by the thought of being able to see it.

" show me yours and i show you mine? "

" _ yeah sure gimme a sec tho i need to clean my hand it's super wet and i don't think it'd be very hygienic to lick it clean although i lowkey want to _ "

He wasn’t able to stop himself from coming this time, not when Harry sounded so dirty, not when he hinted at licking his own hand clean, in a move straight up from a porn Louis might have watched, had he not been blessed by whatever it was that had just happened.

He didn’t take long to catch his breath and open the camera option, angling his phone as best as he could to take a pic showing his girth and how wet it was from come. He took the pic and stared at it critically, deeming it good enough to make him proud of his own dick. He hit send, and in the second it took for Harry’s pic to load he could see his stomach flip flopping in anxiousness.

He wasn’t very proud of the scream he gave when he saw the uncooked turkey pic Harry had just sent him instead.

 

**Author's Note:**

> please do leave your comments about 'wtf was i thinking' cuz idk either lmao


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